How many times does the average person make a trip before they will drive it without GPS?

Men 2
Women 1,328

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

I heard someone say they only get the bite size chips for their parties because you can't double dip them. Challenge accepted...

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How did people make waffles before electricity?

I give my wife just enough rope to hang myself.

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

I don’t have enough energy to chase my dreams.

I’m Not Dead, I’m Just Busy: A Musical

I accidentally ate my emotional support Cheeto this morning and now I don’t even know how I’m going to get through the day.

Whenever my wife tells people we’re starting obedience training next month I always feel compelled to add “for the dog”.

A good salesman creates a problem just so they can sell you the solution.

I’m not a good salesman, I just want to create a problem. I’m not here to help you get out of it.

Vodka is just diet alcohol.

If I ever told you that you were amazing, calm down. I have very low standards.

I’m a hater, but I’m not spreading hate. I’m just harboring it in my soul.

I need someone to make sure I don’t look bloated in my casket and if I do, please close it.

What’s it called when you unleash your wrath and no one notices?

I’m that

I like my women like I like my emails, no attachments…

Me, the entire time I’m playing Fallout 4: AM I SUPPOSED TO BE KILLING YOU OR HELPING YOU THE PROMPT WASN’T CLEAR OKAY I’LL SHOOT ONE OF YOU IN THE LEG AND SEE HOW MAD IT MAKES YOU, AH, AN ENEMY, FANTASTIC.

Self-esteem is a helluva drug, the only trick is finding a reliable dealer.