I am a *master* at choking on my own spit in public. It's a special skill, really. I have the eye water and ragged cough down and everything.

In 1962, an Italian magazine published a story previewing what the world could look like in 2022

Then Toad felt very tired, and he fell asleep.

Me: I haven't been out in forever, I'd love to go downtown and go dancing. See people. Get dressy. Do a thing. *Makes plans* Anxiety: I can't believe you have done this.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

A friend just told me there was a recent controversy over “Yahweh” and I was so confused until I realized he was trying to say “Yaoi”.

I'm Frog, my bf is Toad

😍 love Cyborg as Buzz Lightyear haha

I'm so burnt out the error sound excel makes is triggering

It's December - keep those potatoes warm! 1967. bukowskis.com/en/auctions/E8…

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

Best short story ever

Listen I don't have any big new years resolutions or anything, my main life goal now is just to get a tub big enough for my boobs to be submerged ok

Did you hit on a girl without being pushy or trying to conceal your intentions, only for her to be upset about men being 'creepy'? If so, know you're not creepy! She's outsourcing her own agency at you, expects u to anticipate her needs and blames you for her lack of boundaries

no greater pet peeve do I have than a man sending me a random email saying "call me" BITCH. WHY DON'T **YOU** JUST CALL ME THEN??? I've never gotten this from a woman. Why??? WHY ARE MEN???

peace was never an option

I think for my birthday next year I'd like to go to the Appalachian Mountains and get eaten by a skinwalker, that sounds nice🥰

Being over 30 have you feeling like somebody has a voodoo doll of you somewhere