Yes, your Honor. I can put aside my personal feelings and objectively judge the evidence against that decrepit rancid orange stank ass Oompa Loompa. You can count on me.

I hope you're ready, folks. We are entering the phase of the election where pompous pundit piss ants eat shit and forcibly marvel at how the fuck Biden managed to mount a stunning and dominant come back. I've seen this movie before... AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.

Oh wow. The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia came out and said it.

'Hi America. It's Iran. Uhm, death to you, but excuse me, uh, well... you see my people are calling me a pussy because your friend Israel gave me a wedgie. So, uh, I'm gonna throw a punch at him really slow so he can avoid it. After, can you please stop him from beating me up?'

It is becoming increasingly clear that Biden's steady hand is skillfully navigating some of the most tense geopolitical clusterfucks in modern memory, averting countless global disasters and steering away from an abyss that'd have soaked the entire rest of this century in blood.

Twitter is going down hill. There once was a time when I'd excitedly check the 'show additional replies' for my tweets, savoring the joy of trolls telling me to choke on my own dick. Now, all I get is robot hookers with a grudge against space bars telling me 'tits in bio.'

Eh, quite a bit more history involved, but who am I to stand in the way of a little truthful hyperbole? I'll allow it.

Good morning. World War 3 isn't happening. Neither is a Civil War or a Rapture. But do you know what is about to happen? A CRIMINAL TRIAL FOR THAT NECROTIC OOMPA LOOMPA SKANK WHISPERER, DONALD FUCKING TRUMP. This will dominate the next several weeks of news cycles. Iran who?

I miss when Twitter was a good place to find breaking news from trusted and verified sources. Every trending topic is now dominated by blue check accounts dedicated to disinformation in service of America's destruction. A cesspool of the foulest order.

It's so goddamn clear that Iran is a paper tiger desperate to be seen as tough. Like a poodle torn between being pissed off and pissing itself in fear. Zero casualties resulted from their latest jackass jihad & now they say they are done. Predictable. Hardly WW3.

We don't root for Islamist shitholes who have 'morality police' around these here parts, especially when they are intent on sacrificing their own populations. Fuck Iran. Imagine risking the lives of your entire civilian population for an embarrassing failure of an attack. Tragic.

I'M ALIVE AGAIN. Safe to say I'm finally at the ass end of this illness. I missed you all, dear legions of heathens. Now, time to catch up on all the foul fuckery in the news and verbally disembowel some dipshits.

'Durrr. Deee. Durr. Let's fight a nuclear power that doesn't give a single fucking shit about collateral damage.' Have at it, Iran. Even if it means the entire Middle East sinks into the fucking ocean. Even if it means human extinction. At least you'll finally shut the fuck up.

Oh fuck no, Kari Lake. It doesn't work like that. You spent years flying around on your sulfuric-queef-powered broomstick, just cackling & screeching Christofascist shit at random passer-bys. Terrifying little dogs & children. You own that abortion ban, Cruella. No refunds.

Fuck you, man. I'll never stop eating Lunchables. Lead is just part of the secret sauce that makes those little fucking pizzas taste so goddamn good. mMmM. Hell, I don't give a shit if the pepperonis are made of human flesh. Delicious is delicious. Goddamn haters.

DEAR PATRONS: The early April edition of my 'Fear and Fuckery on the Campaign Trail' newsletter is up! I talk about Biden's BIG bounce back after his historic SOTU speech. I also share what I learned after being polled 7 times in 4 weeks. Much fuckery!
patreon.com/posts/fear-and…

Sup, Arizona. How you doin' baby? Look, I know your eye has strayed a bit, but I forgive ya. Now, let's put any tension behind us and electorally bitch slap the Christofascist pieces of shit trying to render your state a 3rd world theocratic cesspool of rancid religious rot.

I got the goddamn adenovirus somehow. Likely due to a heated spitting contest with my little nephew. Been sick as hell the last few days. My fever broke, but I ache and basically piss out of my ass now. It's just not natural. Although I'm sure Vince McMahon would be into it.