I don’t “forgive and forget”. I “forgive and fry-get” and you know what? It’s a large fry cause we friends again and I’m down to split with you, homie.

Hi @samsmithworld. It seems Denver voiced that they’d love it if you came on our Denver Open Media TV/Internet show: The J.A.G.U.A.R. Morning Show. LIVE 9-11am tomorrow morning (Tues 8/21) & you could 100% come at 1030. Don’t worry. Free @MutinyInfoCafe coffee. #SamSmithOnJaguar

Just referred to the slimy floppy plastic lid on a pudding cup as a “food condom” and have never felt more invincible.

Most don’t know it but “mimosa” is actually breakfast Spanish for “margarita”.

Can we all just admit that the talking butt bit from Ace Ventura is one of the weirdest and also best of all time?

TONIGHT! @thebrianposehn w/ Mallory Wallace & Mike Perry $25 / 8pm / all ages Tickets: bit.ly/2zDbp3U RSVP: bit.ly/2usqLCD

Every day I wake up tired, feeling unmotivated and bored, with no focus, and my body hurts, and I wonder *am I depressed?* No. I am just an adult. I am just “34”.

My favorite thing about my anxiety is how it consistently shows up totally randomly for no reason.

I put my vagina on one leg at a time, just like everybody else.

Gonna start a band with all curvy women called Dinner is Served and our first song will be “Down with the Thiccness”

33: the year your body gets just so pully and lumpy.

Airline employee: Who’s this? Me: My emotional support boyfriend AE: Those aren’t real, you can’t take that on the plane.

Some songs have a big influence on your life, like when I heard Shoop by Salt n Pepa for the first time in middle school and I knew I was going to be a ho.

“Welcome to Nebraska, a midwestern state with the southern values of grease, god and casual racism. If you’d like more info, visit one of our million Runzas for a soggy baby food hot pocket and survival tips on living in a climate that wants to kill you in all seasons.”

Do you think post office workers ever call lower back tattoos “Forever Stamps”?

I recently lost 8 lbs and when I told my boyfriend he was like “that’s great, I’m so proud of you, do you want me to pay for half?”

Thank you to Carly Ballerini, Shannon Noll, Mallory Wallace, and to Zach Peterson (his album, Midwestern Jokes of the Americas, is available for pre-order, everyone!), for an unforgettable night in an unforgettable time in my life. I’ll never forget your generosity. #RunMegRun

Started calling my boyfriend step daddy in bed cause he gets to visit my geena on weekends and holidays.

They say money can’t buy happiness so I guess I’m just trying to get to a point where money buys me no longer having people make a sad face when I tell them my salary.

I don’t like to brag.