#TrueConfession I was only 6 years old when I had my first sarcasm.

For those of you who have always been hoping for a third party, you now have one! It's Russia! fivethirtyeight.com/features/how-r… #RussiaIndictments #GrandJury

There's never a Moses around when you need to be led out of the desert.

I can always tell when I'm bored with myself because I stop talking to myself and check my phone.

Most people's burning questions about Trump these days are ones like "at the stake?" or "doused with gasoline first?"

Just so everybody knows, if Kavanaugh gets confirmed to the Supreme Court, you will no longer be able to abort your unwanted tweets.

My phone may be smart, but my toaster is a fucking idiot.

I regret many of my regrets.

Wise people say each morning we must be born again. So, I try to wake up naked, crying and covered in something slimy.

This is the third revision of this tweet.

I just Airbnb'd out my capacity to care anymore.

When I went out to my car today, my window wouldn't roll down. I attribute this to Mercury being in retrograde. I have no explanation for all the car windows that worked perfectly today.

Don't hate the player, hate the stupid shit he spews out of his cheeseburger hole.

This tweet doesn't belong here.

This tweet is a conspiracy theory perpetrated by Alex Jones.

I know what's going to happen in the future in sports. I have ESPN.

I'm sorry, but I don't have time to explain to you how your thinking is wrong today. You're on your own.

My iPhone tells me that Skynet has already won. (Sent from my iPhone)

This cause is close to my heart - please sign: sign.moveon.org/petitions/boar…

Gerry and the Peacemakers failed us.