So I guess I have to do this shit now...

I was born by cesarean section because my mom's the biggest quitter I know.

The bartender tonight said are you going to try your hand at comedy?...I guess is all I said...

Doing comedy is great! If you love having to continuously prove yourself to your "friends."

I wish I lived a 150 years ago. Because you could tell people you climbed Mt. Everest and they would just have to believe you.

I don't think anyone's been offered a LifeSaver in the last 15 years. What the hell happened to LifeSavers???

My favorite game to play with my wife is whose Back Hurts More.

I don't know how many doors and wheels there are, but we're dangerously low on sconces.

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Do they make Just For Men for nose hair?

I don't think functioning alcoholics get the respect they deserve.

Donald Glover interviewed Donald Glover because no one understands the true genius of Donald Glover more than Donald Glover.

Red White & Brew: 5/18 🦗🤣🍺 #KricketComedy #RedWhiteAndBrew #Brewery #AudubonNJ

I don't trust all these English singers with American accents...

Monica's not pregnant! It was Rachael's pregnancy test. Rachael's pregnant!!!

I think Prince might be the bad guy in Purple Rain...

All this talk about Cocaine Orgies has me second guessing becoming a Republican.

With my current raise, I finally CAN afford a DUI.