"Trudje, have you sorted Penny's Christmas present from me yet? Let's not have a mad rush just as you're leaving for Trondheim this year please. And no vouchers. You need to put some thought into it. Thanks. Tim."

"Tim, you've had an email from the Diocese.. someone has complained against you under the Clergy Disciplinary Measure (whatever that is) saying that you refused them entry to a service because they were a gay couple. Something about "conduct unbecoming." "Ignore it." "Ok"

"Tim, you know conversion therapy is illegal? "Yes Penny, that's why we don't do it." "Well. .er" "We don't. It's really clever. We now offer conversation therapy. You talk to a therapist who makes you normal if you're a homosexualist. I call it straight talking. Clever eh?"

Trudje, please can you just check, this guy was a lead bishop for safeguarding until quite recently, right?

Trudje, why can't we put out tweets like this? It's brilliant. Moving. Penny, what does he mean by "your prayers make a difference?"

Please note: This parody account has gone into temporary hibernation because you LITERALLY COULDN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

Senior Pastor William is without doubt inspiring to Pastor Tim. In fact he's got the nearest thing allowable to a man crush on him. It's the military tone of voice in his delivery when he makes those videos. Swoon.

Especially if you have a trust fund.

"So Penny..." "Mmm?" "Now that Christmas is done, I thought I would start another StarSermonSeries™️" "Christmas isn't done." "Yes it is." "Christmas ends at Candlemas" "What are you talking about?" "Tim, literally what were you doing at Ridley?" "Reading Wisden mainly."

Pastor Tim is struggling with his epiphany talk. It's an all age service which he hates as he has to dumb everything down. Then there's the problem of a bunch of foreigners worshiping Jesus. Why couldn't they have come from England? Or France even? It makes it so tricky.

Pastor Tim's cross. His dumbed down all-age ephiphany talk which he hated writing, as it only mentioned the Apostle Paul and sin once, was judged (by a covenanted member of the congregation who has been to Oak Hill) as his "best ever - at last I understood what you were saying."

"Penny?" "Mmm?" "Do you think the fact I wasn't made an overseer by Pastor WIlliam increases my chances of being made Archbishop?" "Well, technically I suppose it does?" "What do you mean, 'technically'?" "Well, how can I put this?" "I'm going to write to the King." "Yes dear."

Reminder, the February half term Noah's Ark™️ children's club at Star of Bethel🌟 is booking up fast. Trudje is keen to point out that your children can't get their travel vaccinations last minute and they won't be allowed into Kenya without at least a Yellow Fever certificate.

"Penny?" "Hmm" "That wretched Cathy Newman on Channel 4 is going to out another Iwerne man tonight. When is she going to stop for heaven's sake? It's so damaging." "Maybe when she's outed all the abusers?" "Surely preserving the church is more important?" "No Tim, it isn't. "

“Penny! Penny! PENNY!!” “What is it, darling?” “The govt has asked the public to nominate people to be Archbishop!” “And?” “Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? This is a sign from God that I should be Archbishop. I’m going to live in a PALACE!” “Err.” “What?” [sighs] “Nothing darling.”

Please can all covenanted members of StarOfBethel 🌟 remember to vote for Pastor Tim to be Archbishop? He’s had a prophetic picture that God has chosen him. It was to do with horns and walls. It was a bit blurry tbh. Thanks. Trüdje.

"Trudje, do we know how many of the congregation have voted for me to be Archbishop of Canterbury? If it's more than like a thousand I think we should put out a press release before Synod starts." "I'm not sure anyone has voted for you Tim." "What? Not even you or Penny?" "...."

"Penny?" "Mmm?" "I think it's time I wrote a new worship song. I thought I'd call it "Lament for Synod, Turn to God ("Synod, Synod, God! God! woah". What do you think?" "Please dont."

"Penny." "Yes dear?" "When they make me Archbishop, do you think I will be able to get rid of bishops that I don't like?" "Now let me guess. Newcastle? Dover? London?" "Well London isn't too bad" "Tim, why don't you play with your Lego before supper?" "Good idea Penny."

Pastor Tim has been on the phone to Overseer William. Apparently Synod is going "BRILLIANTLY" in that everyone has forgotten about LLF in all the excitment of safeguarding. Pastor Tim does an excited little jiggle dance in his office that the gays still haven't won.