Maybe this Opposite Day, my neighbors will act calm and sophisticated. Somehow I don't think they're celebrating.

This Valentine's Day, I bought an expensive gift for my sweetheart...me! Spoiled? Maybe, but I'm worth it.

Happy April Fools Day, a day I'd like to dedicate to my neighbors, who are fools.

If only National High Five Day were the only day of the year SpongeBob insisted that I slap him some skin. It's not.

Happy Father’s Day to my dad, who appreciates the finer things in life: music, art, and complaining. He taught me everything I know.

Do I celebrate Independence Day? Well, that independs. Ha, I crack myself up.

For National Relaxation Day, I’m planning to kick my heels up and read a magazine all day. In other words, I’ll be at work.

The only thing I’m positive about today is that I positively will NOT be celebrating Positive Thinking Day!

Wear Brown Shoes Day? Sorry, no can do. They don’t come in my number of feet.

Oh no, it’s Hanukkah! Here comes eight days of SpongeBob attempting to spin a “dreidel” named Patrick. I might have to leave town.

The greatest presents I could get this Christmas would be the absence of my two moronic neighbors. Please Santa, hear my wish!

This New Year, I resolve to complain more. It’d be a shame not to: not only am I good at it, I really enjoy complaining!

Can someone please explain to Patrick that I am NOT his Daddy and will NOT be reading him bedtime stories?!

Friendship Day?! No! I’ve got to stop SpongeBob before he … too late. There he is in my living room, with flowers and a cake.

For National Relaxation Day, I finally get to do the one thing I want to do every day: not get out of bed! Ah, that’s better.

“Positive Thinking Day”? What a terrible idea!

Ah, the first day of autumn! Finally, summer’s sunshine and optimism can go take a hike.

Me, participate in Halloween? I’m afraid there’s not a ghost of a chance! And no, Halloween puns don’t count as participation.

Another day at the Krusty Krab. Oh joy.