I miss the days when I could cough into a stranger's mouth and we would laugh and laugh and laugh.

Me: What do you think happened to Mary's placenta? I like to think one of the animals ate it and absorbed its power... Audiences: .......... God, I miss stand up.

The National Guard were in LA to protect the CVS on Sunset during BLM protests. They can’t get to the US Capitol right now?

👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

When he's been given twice as many impeachments as you've been given orgasms.

Have you heard? The season premiere of #mixedish is TONIGHT at 9:30|8:30c on ABC! 🌸 x.com/mixedishabc/st…

Thank you for watching my episode!!

Bridgerton is 🔥🔥🔥!

Interviewer: Does your background in biological sciences play into your joke writing? Me: That depends. Is your mom a deuterostome? Cause she’s all about anal first. Interviewer: .......... Me: 😎🧬🧪🔬🧫

New Episode of my pod DwayneCatchesUp with Spencer Taylor!

All new #CatchingUpWithDwayne (DwayneCatchesUp Dick-Fil-A) Featured guest, former nanny Spencer Taylor (ABC's Mixed-ish), they talk about  Cinderella ('97) Pancakes, traffic and her boyfriend's zucchini. Listen Apple: bit.ly/catchupdwayne Spotify: bit.ly/spotifycatchup

Every day I wonder, “Is today the day I rewatch Coneheads?” But it never is.

If anyone wants to learn about being in a writers room from some experts... pick a different room. But if you wanna learn from novices, check this out tomorrow! joinclubhouse.com/event/xq4wdVkn

Share some laughs and get to know @weownthelaughs Comedian of the Day Spencer Taylor right now at weownthelaughs.com/2021/05/comedi…

Eric wrote the series finale!!! You can catch it tonight on ABC :)

I asked Spencer Taylor if she’d like to join me on a hike to a turtle pond. She showed up like this. Just felt like sharing that my friends are insane.

And to think, this morning I was just a little baby turtle swimming in some radioactive sewer goo.

Pirate : These pies are bombs. Squidward: Oh shit, lemme get one of those

Every few months I think, "I should get back on Twitter." Then I do and immediately think, "Welp. Nevermind."