It’s way easier to laugh about shit than cry about shit.👻

No one should try to make new friends after the age of 40!👻

I suck at both but I’m better at helloes than goodbyes!

Me kicking myself out of any situation in life is a lesson in joy and grace under duress.

when you got a lot to say but being silent is the best option

“My clock is always out of whack and all over the place, and I’m not sweating, you are”. - Gen Douglass A McArthur.

You’re not living the dream until you realize that you have a telephone/computer/camera in your pocket that tells you what day it is!👻

Who would you rather fuck?

I need help with my write-in bid for the presidency, it’s not for myself, let’s write in Terry Crews! I think the time is right for President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho! Together, we shall get it done!👻😘

I recently went to Oklahoma and all I got was this deep sea diving shoe and this cool t-shirt

The good news is that I get a 10% discount on pedicures now! 👻

The USA is not quite the world power in Men’s basketball anymore, but if we don’t take home the gold in Break Dancing, shit is BONKERS!

Lotion is one of the leading causes of unborn children! 👻 Too much Jergens! Haven’t tweeted in a while and I’m just checking in. With that…

Going doing. Think about that for a second ya beautiful slapdicks and then go to town on fucking yourselves gently or however you wanna fuck yourselves. It’s none of my business!👻

Silicone Valley is a great name for a titty bar/breastaurant!

No matter how hard you try, everything you do will never be good enough for some people. 🤦🏻‍♀️👻

I can’t believe we never got a Brian Fellow feature film… and where the fuck is my goddamn jet pack?

Reach out and touch the butthole of my heart!👻

Adorable Squatch attack!