How to drink a glass of tap water:

1. Run the tap for a bit to get rid of the “bad” water and get to the fresh, cold stuff
2. Half fill a perfectly clean glass, swill water about a bit, pour down the sink
3. Cleansing ritual complete. Only now can you fill the glass and…

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“Sorry I’m late, you’re never going to believe it, I was lying down in my dressing gown, just looking at my phone, and… actually that’s it.”

I couldn’t get upset with April for the relentless rain. I expected it. It’s a month literally famous for showers.

But what’s your excuse, May? I really thought you were different. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

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If you could be trapped in any British shop overnight, which one would you choose?

Someone just stopped me in the street and asked, “excuse me, mate, do you live round here?”

I panicked and said, “I’m not sure”

Sauce rules:

Bacon sandwich: red
Sausage sandwich: brown

Discuss.

VeryBritishProblems Fine. What do you want?

What’s the best response to “how are you?”?

A list of mays for May, if I may:

May your barbecues be aflame
May your sausages remain dry
May your cushions be out
May your deckchairs be primed
May you only need light jackets
May you enjoy a 99 with flake (for £2.50)
May your bank holidays be quite quiet really
May the…

What’s the worst advice you could give to someone visiting Scotland for the first time?

I just kicked a ball back to some kids in the park. Mercifully it went well but the adrenaline rush will keep me awake tonight.