What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn? A metro-gnome

I'm practicing for a bug-eating contest and I've got butterflies in my stomach.

"I'll call you later." He said. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the cashier keeps putting it back.

Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.

What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long

I adopted my dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

“𝕐𝕠𝕦'𝕣𝕖 𝕞𝕖𝕣𝕖𝕝𝕪 𝕒 𝕡𝕒𝕨𝕟 𝕚𝕟 𝕞𝕪 𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕕 𝕦𝕡 𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕥𝕝𝕖 𝕘𝕒𝕞𝕖." ╰ 𝑫𝒎'𝒔 𝑶𝒑𝒆𝒏 ╰ 𝑺𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔, 𝑳𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒆, 𝑪𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒌 ╰ 𝑶𝒑𝒆𝒏 𝑺𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒘/ 𝑪𝒉𝒆𝒎 ╰ 𝑫𝒂𝒓𝒌, 𝑨𝒅𝒖𝒍𝒕 𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒔 Do not comment on pinned , ♡ & 🔁

How many seconds are in a year? 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc

⠀ ‘ 𝐐𝐮𝐢𝐫𝐤𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 ’ ❝ 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏. ❞ – Mark Twain. ♡ & ↻

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

ㅤ ㅤ ㅤ ❝ 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳… ❞ ㅤ

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it