If you don’t start a sword fight with gift wrap tubes, is it even Christmas time?

Remind me again ... how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

Me: What do you want for Christmas, bud? Son #2: I’m good. Me: You’re good? S2: Yeah. Me: You sure? S2: Daddy, I have, like, four 20 dollar bills. I’m fine.

Don’t be the person who laughs at someone for putting ice in their wine. Be the person who brings the ice to them.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

For more than fifty years, the monster under my bed has never reached out and grabbed my ankle. Yet I’m certain tonight’s the night.

Mental healthcare in America: I get a note of congratulations for paying my bill but not for completing my treatment.

You’re not an adult until you have a favorite stovetop burner.

Sometimes I feel my life is held together with rubber bands. It's those asparagus rubber bands, though, so there's hope.

Sorry that I haven’t been around. I’ve been busy blocking people who say Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie.

I never did heroin, but I did experience my scissors gliding across the entire roll of wrapping paper.

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you're not supposed to "just watch."

Built the kids a fort with our Amazon boxes. It has two bathrooms and a study.

Told my kids we can’t afford our yearly trip to Great Wolf Lodge, so we’ll headed to “Just Ok Coyote Motel”

I’ve put my kids in a timeout longer than TikTok was banned.

Dropped an egg on the floor this morning, so now I have to tell one of my sons that he can't go to college.

Nothing makes me laugh like a recipe that calls for one clove of garlic.