‘I hear you have one of the new allotments, Sergeant Major.’ ‘Yes, Sir. No.2, just inside the entrance.’ ‘Splendid. Not too far to walk, what with your knees. What will you grow?’ ‘A lawn, Sir, for my deckchair.’ Thanks again to Fat Phil for the pic. Philip Carr #growing

The only times I can remember a range going from safe to unsafe was when HQ did their annual shoot. ‘Frenchie, mate, what does this switch do again?’ Still, good advice… better than some risk assessments I’ve seen. #defence

An hour in Weymouth and I have been Walted. All I needed was an untailored floppy. ‘Did you buy that hat online? Dangerous game pretending you’re in the Army.’ ‘I’ve been pretending for 24 years, mate.’ Turns out he served four years and did a sunshine tour in Cyprus. #walt

Didn’t know about the armoured training area at Lulworth. Stopped for a pic and an angry range goblin appeared from nowhere. ‘Can’t park there or take photos.’ Had to cuff it with my ID. ‘Sorry, mate. WO2 French… Cavalry. On holiday. Was asked to do a recce while I was here.

When this is all over I will use a Veterans’ Hub. Somewhere you can have a brew and tell everyone that yours is still the greatest cap badge of all. Weymouth founder Andy Price has put in a shift to keep the doors open TheVeteransHubWeymth Thank you doesn’t come close. #welfare

Summer leave in the Army is a time for competitive beard growing. I enjoy not having to shave but Mrs French has gone silent and French Junior dismissed me with ‘find a mirror and have a word with yourself’. Having a brew with Captain Kirky in Aldershot. ‘Kirky’ Kirkwood #summer

French Junior just asked me one of the great existential questions. ‘Dad, why don’t we leave the Army, buy a house near the seaside and go to the beach every day. You could grow a beard and wear your crappy retro T-shirts.’ I could write a thesis on this. #haylingisland #beach

Sovereign’s Parade tomorrow when the latest cohort of young officers depart the Academy having earned their commission. The flags of all nations represented are flying over Old College Parade Square. Stay in step, follow the person in front and you’ll be alright. Royal Military Academy Sandhurst

Sound on - I have said it before but the sound of boots on a parade square stirs my blood. Sovereign’s Parade is underway at Sandhurst and it’s going to be a warm one. Good luck and Godspeed to the officer cadets who will receive their commission at midnight. Royal Military Academy Sandhurst

To wrap up Sovereign’s Parade, a word on the horses. Shadow, as ever, was solid at the rear. A new chestnut horse, fabulously named Jumping Jack, led the parade with the Academy Adjutant on board. Having had a few moments in rehearsals, he turned it on for the crowds. #horses

At Hayling Island and am pretty sure that we spotted a Russian spy ship. Or a new type of super trawler on its way to the fishing grounds. Or it could be a big grey thing belonging to the Royal Navy. Anyway, it’s a big boat. Or ship. #ship #navy

Five years since I’ve seen my brother. We walk different paths. A Somerset boy, he used to thunder across the Mendips with me riding pillion on his T140V Bonneville. We bought Thatcher’s cider straight from the man himself. Took it home in saddle bags. #brothers Thatchers

If there is an upside to being surrounded by army officers, it’s officers’ dogs. Of course, they are unruly and mostly bonkers, just like officers, but also endlessly good fun, not like officers. #dogs #weekend #army Royal Military Academy Sandhurst

Parked the Big Lad outside the Colonel’s house to let the cars pass and he started eating the Colonel’s grass. I’ll be on a charge for this… misappropriation of something or other. #horses #army #teatime Royal Military Academy Sandhurst

Back at work after three weeks’ leave. Reassured to discover that the Russians haven’t reached Aldershot. Ironed my kit, polished my boots, shaved, had a haircut and was still asked why I am such a scruffy soldier. Twenty five’ years practice, I said. Peace and love to all.

When I left the Leadership School, the troops gave me a funeral… coffin, flag, eulogy, the works. One of the funniest nights of my life… comically dark. If you want to know what people really think of you, have your funeral while you’re still upright. Dean Hughes Natasha Day MBE

Life is better with a van… ‘Is your daughter meant to be in the back of your van, Sergeant Major?’ ‘She’s taking a break, Sir. Hard day doing chores.’ ‘And the dog?’ ‘Protecting my daughter.’ ‘From what?’ ‘At the moment, Sir, officers.’ #dogs #daughters #van #weekend

I’ve used this one before… ‘Ah, Sgt Maj, are you busy?’ ‘I was having a quiet brew, Sir.’ ‘Well, it’s quite urgent.’ ‘Are we under attack, Sir?’ ‘I don’t think so.’ ‘In that case, Sir, I’ll finish my brew and I’m all yours, refreshed and ready to go.’ #coffee

Woke up to a load of nasty abuse in my inbox. I had no idea Army boots were such an emotive issue so I have deleted a Tweet mocking the polishing standards of two of my best mates, Kirky and Deano. I only mock them because they are a pair of pin-heads who deserve it. #Monday

After four schools in five years, French Junior has been at the same school with the same friends for three years. She feels settled, happy and has a sense of belonging. Apparently she likes being in one place so won’t be joining the Army… ‘I’m staying in Aldershot’. #truth