What do you get when you mix an octopus with a Mexican? Not exactly sure, but that’s a hell of a crop yield for these tough times

2,800 teenage girls get pregnant everyday, Retweet if you like pancakes.

"I wanna fuck you so bad right now." "what...?" "Damn Autocorrect, I meant hey."

WTF? Miley Cyrus is over the top. #4 is OUTRAGEOUS. (18+) pics --> bit.ly/16KukPw - sp

Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it we pack it. How may I help you?"

For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck the least they could do is send me a picture of the ghetto family I'm supporting.

Here's a list of people who asked for your opinion: ________ ________ ________ ________ ________ ________ ________ ________ ________

If it hurts when you pee, then urine trouble.

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. #randomfact

Deleting my school so I can focus on Twitter.

S/O to sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.

Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... she just announced a new album coming out tomorrow.

I got banned from Barnes and Noble today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.

If your girlfriend doesn't like that bitch, you don't talk to that bitch.

These roller coasters are INSANE!! I couldn't go on #2, worlds tallest... bit.ly/16MPWe6 - sp

I beat #sylvancircle with a time of 1:09.603 playing Mad Skills Motocross 2. Get it FREE on #ios & #android at mad.mx/g3t1t

Those gunshots tho... vine.co/v/M1lh2bwTpXj

Hello niggas

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Masters drinking game: Every time you hear the word bogey take a drink. You'll be dead in 15 minutes.