If I buy something from your website you have THREE SECONDS FLAT for that confirmation email to hit my inbox otherwise I will descend into total panic.

Put a photo of a rival dartboard on my dartboard to throw darts at.

HOW TO APPLY COLOGNE - Spray on side of neck - Spray on wrists and forearms - Spray between 2nd and 3rd toe on right foot - Cut open stomach with knife, spray on large intestine - Spray into eyeballs (don't blink) - Stay in and rewatch "Casino"

I only tweet like once a year, so here's this year's tweet: There's still a part of me that genuinely thinks becoming a 9th degree black belt is the coolest thing any person could ever achieve. Ok hope you enjoyed, see you all in 2023.

It never shows up in the tv shows or movies, but in the original Sir Arthur Conan Doyle stories, Sherlock Holmes spends most of his time using his magnifying glass to burn ants to death on the sidewalk.

Adorned in a velvet smoking jacket and silk pajamas, I sit down in my leather armchair next to the roaring fireplace in my study, gently kick off my plush slippers, light my briar pipe, and begin quietly reading the novelization of "G.I. Joe: Retaliation."

is pancake twitter a thing and if so can I be part of it I really like pancakes

Love everything about this. Love the giant gavel. Love the weird photo. Love that it's a gift for anyone in the legal field or anyone "who has been in any type of leadership role," generally. "Hey Bill, congrats on getting promoted to chief of surgery! Here's a giant gavel!"

I read this last night and it made me laugh so hard the whole way through. You can enjoy it too for the price of a large coffee, or a box of Cheerios, or 2 bags of Rold Gold pretzels if you have a Safeway Club Card (I'm at Safeway rn)

Jen's hilarious book is now available in both hardcover AND paperback, and even if it was printed in a cover made of live tarantulas ("tarantulaback"), I would *still* recommend you buy it because that's how great it is!

Sometimes when I'm stressed and need to put things into perspective, I think of the thousands of cumulative hours that humanity has devoted to filming close-up shots of a buffalo wing being dipped into a cup of sauce.

As a writer, there's nothing more terrifying than staring at a blank page as it holds a switchblade to your wife's throat and demands all your money and valuables.

Why am I even tweeting again

A healthier attitude toward Twitter I'm trying to adopt: before I tweet something, I always ask myself, "Is this adding anything to the conversation?" and then no matter what the answer is, I don't tweet it.

Chris is, simply put, incredible and a total joy to work with. And while such praise will undoutedly make him uncomfortable, that in and of itself makes him even more endearing.

This is a great read on Mina Kimes, one of my favorite NFL analysts, by Ben Strauss. A fascinating insight into Mina's incredible career arc and analytical style. Also I like that she carries her pup Lenny over streams bc he's afraid of water. washingtonpost.com/sports/2023/02…