The true measure of adulthood is whether or not you’re compelled to say, “Sorry my house is such a mess!” to guests, please even if you’re standing in a room so clean you could safely perform surgery in it.

THIS WEEK ON MAN UP: Shared *very* embarrassing stories with Sarah Crow and Magdalene J. Taylor about times I tried to be the hero by paying the bill, but ended up completely humiliating myself: DON'T JUDGE! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/abo…

“Freaky Friday” but they’re both dogs so no one notices

Mmmbop

Actually, it's only looting if it comes from the Loot region of France. Otherwise, it's just sparkling larceny.

Spending the rest of my night in a seance to resurrect Garry Marshall’s ghost so we can get a movie called “Coup Year’s Eve.”

Has it considered learning to code?

Lolololololololol

Tomorrow would be my dad's 84th birthday. In his honor, I wanted to resurface this absolute banger. I hope that when I die, a great author will write an entire essay about what a jerk I was, too: newyorker.com/magazine/2011/…

First week Refinery29 on the books. Couldn't be more excited to be part of this incredible team and eventually find out how to get the stickers out of the VICE prize machine.

"Adult mononucleosis and other signs 2017 wouldn't be her year, either" - a book I'm writing from the fiery pit that is my life

If astrology is fake then how come I can use it to justify doing whatever I want all the time

Isn't it odd that people spend $ on cars and diamonds when they could be paying to live in this abandoned zoo w/ me? zillow.com/homedetails/40…

Name 'em and shame 'em, friends x.com/yesyoureracist…

All these folks worried about erasing history when the Confederate statues come down will be thrilled to learn about the existence of books.

Haiku elegy for myself, and those like me: I have a copy/Of Infinite Jest at home/That I'll never read

The man with our nuclear launch codes, everyone.

Terrible #NYC apartments are a rite of passage; my interview with Bold New York broker Julia Segal is on StreetEasy streeteasy.com/blog/nyc-broke…

I don’t mean to get political, but I don’t think sun-dried tomatoes have a place in a wedge salad.

Just thinking a lot of deep thoughts this Christmas.