Here comes the story of the hero train The train the phillistines came to blame For something that he never done Hearing you people yell But he’s always been THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD We know you’re a Skynyrd/Limp Bizkit crowd but this one’s for the Dylan stans.

We never miss our block.

BREAKING: Hero train delays local news anchor from filming inevitable segment about how Halloween candy is going to murder us all. A grateful city rejoices. News at 11.

It’s meditation hour, dude. Stop messing with our chi.

BREAKING: Local man profoundly grateful that hero train spares him the indignity of one more minute in his cubicle prison. Heroism personified.

Oh come on, Reverend. That biker looks smug even from a distance so you know we didn’t have a choice.

BREAKING: Local man implores hero train to embrace mediocrity.

BREAKING: Julia’s upcoming performance review is decidedly negative after she blames her own tardiness on hero train.

True love waits.* *For however long we say it does.

We love hearing from all the fans!

BREAKING: Newly crowned Meteorology Muckety Muck promoted after his scientific process of looking out the window accurately predicts the weather. In all seriousness, congrats to Lew. He’s one of the good ones.

Hey Donna Deegan! If this is an attempt to court the coveted “hero train constituency” then this is a good start.

BREAKING: Local musician-type with thesaurus discovers alliteration in futile attempt to slander hero train. Somewhere an atonal guitar chord goes unplayed as a grateful city rejoices.

The Darkline Rises.

It’s what it feels like to witness the purest distillation of perfection.

BREAKING: Local yokel only crushes 12 Miller Ultras before NFL game and blames hero train.

Absolutely on board with these new stickers from the Jaguars even though we are unsure what hero trains have to do with small market teams…

Oooooh, someone’s gonna be late to see like the two remaining members of the band Supertramp and they’re big mad about it.