Ozzy Osbourne: ALL ABOOOOARD Me: Oh good. Cool. What's this song called, Normal Train. (A bunch of scary guitars and stuff start happening) Me: Uh oh

My friend: (goes to walk through the door) Me: Stop! (I lean down, examining a tripwire at ankle level) Oh never mind it’s just some string. Ima kick it

Barack and Michelle are couple goals to me in that ideally my wife would be doing 2-3 podcast appearances a week about the difficulties of being married to me

nyc swung right in the presidential election but just nominated a Muslim socialist for mayor. this country isn't getting more rightwing, people are just fed up with cowards who don't stand for anything or care about making anyone's life better

no reason not to primary hakeem jeffries now

This is the first time I have felt any political optimism in five years.

Amelia Dimoldenberg: what’s your favorite pizza topping? Classically trained British actor trying to become the internets boyfriend: um. Probably kisses… and sex… with you?

Pretty obvious Taylor and Travis are just getting married so they can file taxes jointly

It’s your cousin Marvin, Marvin Hitler. You know that new scary new yelling you’ve been looking for?

(on a date) The sad thing is,, you could never make Mad Men today. The media literacy isn't media literacying (a bus with spongebob on it drives by and I involuntarily mouth ‘spongebob’)

There have been a lot of improvements to society since Edo Japan, but you have to admit something is lost when there’s not a guy you can call to come cut your neighbor in half

Trump on twitter: Joy Behar looked FAT AS HELL on the View. Gross! Trump on truth social: I will capture and kill the Dalai Lama Trump on Bluesky in 2029: did anyone else think Caleb was super problematic on Las Culturistas this week

Nurse give this patient a hi five to distract him so I can knock him out with this pipe

Hostage: where am I? Me subbing in for my friend Jigsaw: um. Eat a bug Hostage: or what Me (looking at a head exploding trap I couldn’t figure out): um. I’ll tell jigsaw

I’m a NIMBY but for sandals. We need to stop making sandals to protect my sandals investment

(A mail bomb blows my hands off) Hey this isn’t the bomb I ordered…

If I was cast on Summer House I would pretend to be dead in the pool for attention

We can’t have universal healthcare cause the army spends $1.5 trillion paying psychics and voodoo shamans to keep me from getting up before 9 am

I heard there’s an option on Waymo that takes you up into the mountains never to be seen again

(Trying to connect with my girlfriend’s friend The Tinkerer): So… whatcha got there? The Tinkerer: Don’t touch it! You wouldn’t understand the flomaxium device Me: That’s cool, that’s cool. Did you guys have fun at Beyoncé