Just fell over. Face down in my entirety all over the pavement, cut palms knees and elbows, the Full-English tumble. You're a fickle mistress, gravity. I like your early work with apples but not sure about this bold new direction.

The recipients of organ transplants should have to find and remove the organs themselves. You want my kidney? Come and take it from me.

Every short story is like “The day after our first son’s birthday, my wife told me she was in love with the 59th Street Bridge.”

JK now just devoting her entire existence to sounding like a mid-tier villain seething at Charles Xavier.

AFAB: Assigned female at birth

AMAB: Assigned male at birth

ACAB: All cops are bastards

AHAB: Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.

The Dow Jones has just moved on the Z-axis for the first time ever.

“It’s coming right at us!!”

Child is showing off how high they can count. 'Twenty. A thousand! A million!!' A million what? 'A million... tigers!' You fool. You dumb bastard. A million tigers? You dream of a world you would not survive. You yearn for death.

Had a tweet do ok but it didn't get a single bot reply. Feeling weirdly rejected. Couldn't even muster a 'see you more like a brother' in the bio. Pathetic.

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Saw two people in a tiny smart car having a massive gesticulated argument... it was sort of beautiful. Like an OK Go music video. Recommend.

Modern conspiracy theories are rubbish. We used to believe that the government was secretly keeping aliens from us. Now people fear that they're conspiring to make you have a library within walking distance of your home?

'cry me a river' you think i fucking won't? i will. and it will be vast and deep and tempestuous. and it will drown you

“Hey what should we call this stuff you apply to your skin that isn’t cream?”

Weird deformed half animal abomination in the corner of the room: “Ointment.”

You shouldn't be allowed to have bad dreams. What are you doing, brain? This is our sanctuary. This is where we met John Cena that one time.

My wife is objectively much more attractive than me so in order not to perpetuate any further stereotypes I simply refuse to have a good personality.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

this one gets me every single time

Nothing but contempt for when people skip the awkward childhood bit and jump straight into being an adult glasses wearer. Get them off your face, you haven't earned them. You weren't there. You don't know what we saw.

Tried to think of a time that a woman got the credit when a man had actually done all the work and the only example I could think of was Kurt Cobain's suicide.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?