NY Times issues list of best books published since 2000…..all of which were promptly banned by the state of Florida.
absrdNEWS Network NSFW_news

In today’s Derby, my money’s on Molasses.
#KentuckyDerby150

Every time my son explains to me the rules of the game he just made up, it devolves into that 'DUDE. SWEET!' fight scene from 'Dude, Where's My Car?'

Why hasn't someone made a dog shampoo that smells like dirt?

If a mime shits in the woods, does anyone hear it?

Ha!

You know your anal retentive when you check the seal on a bag of croutons.

Let's just be glad neither of them were named Sweeney Todd.

Skip is a good name for a middle child.

I think the origin of the bad toupee can be traced back to Daniel Boone.

In my childhood home my height was memorialized by the height of the fist holes in the walls.

Five pound dog in a ten pound bag...

How I respond to love...

“I stink therefore I am.” - René Defartes.“

Feline hypnosis is real.

Me trying to get a booger off my finger.

'Then I ate the mouse with some Fava Beans.'

When you realise it was your conscience and not your pillow that was keeping you awake.

#MAGA

Therapist: Do you feel like I do?

Peter Frampton: Please stop.