Whoever invented bus seats must have absolutely hated sleep

Had a bird shit on me 2 days ago. My mom told me it was good luck but since then I’ve chipped a tooth and broken a nail. Hoping the luck kicks in when I sign up for the Kill Tony bucket pull on Monday

What’s up brother ☝️

(To the tune of blackbird by The Beatles)

Crackhead taking to himself at night

Hear me out, an airport bar that has affordable drinks

I drank too much last night, but I puked and woke up today feeling skinny and handsome. I might be onto something

“What if mints made you dizzy?”

-Inventor of ZYN

Watching Forrest Gump and drinking Michelob at 4:30AM. Feels like my dad is still alive!

Big plans this weekend

Checked my sister into rehab and then drank 12 michelobs and played disc golf. Pretty productive day if you ask me

Love the music in the background like these people weren’t seconds away from being on LiveLeak

Old dudes love yappin in the bathroom at planet fitness while I’m tryna shit in peace

I’m sorry.

Come see me on the road 🫡 🇺🇸

I rented iron claw expecting to watch a cool wresting movie only to hold my wife as she cries next to me on our couch.

I love emo music but I can’t listen to it because I just end up messaging dead girls I went to high school with on Facebook about how I wish I could have saved them when in reality they left me on read in 2010

I’m gonna cum

This is the type of shit my wife reads. No wonder I can’t make her cum wtf is this

It’s a bad night to be the chicken nuggets in my freezer