George Floyd’s murder is America’s Covid-20. #georgefloyd

My mate used to supply ice to the pubs and clubs, but if they don’t open soon he’ll be forced to liquidate.

So happy the pubs are opened. It made it a lot more difficult robbing their ATMS when they were closed.

My earliest memory of my childhood , was my mum asking me at 4rs old, why did the chicken cross the road? With tears rolling down my eyes, I said “Patrick left the gate open”

The security guard at the bank said to me “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t come in without a mask” I said “fuck you, last time you told me I couldn’t come I because I had a mask” To be fair the last time I had a sawn off as well.

Getting on the television years ago was easy, but these flat ones you need tremendous balance.

Donald Trump has advised NSW premier Gladys Berejiklian to build a Victorian border wall and he’ll get the Mexicans to pay for it.

I’ve selling my crutches for $50, but if you’re a bit short I can take up to 50% off.

I had to take my neighbour to court, he wasn’t very appreciative, I thought “stuff him, next time he can get an Uber”

I told my uncle he should look after his teeth, he said “I do, I lock them up in the safe every night”

My mate became vegan and ended up in hospital very ill on life support. The doctors side he’ll likely end up a vegetable 😜 #vegan

I had a massive row with my girlfriend and she said “you’ve got a small dick” I said “that’s a bit below the belt”

How times have changed; 10yrs ago my missus walked out on me. These days she’d have got an Uber.

My drug is gorgeous women; next week I’ll be celebrating 25 years of sobriety.

I asked my cannibal mate what do vegans taste like? He said “carrots”

90% of the time there is no need for a full stop a question mark or comma what do you think

I went to the Red Cross Shop today, but they said they’d sold out, so I bought a green one.

My mate said to me he was approaching 60, I said “ya better slow down we’re in a school zone”

A mate rang me and said “can you talk” I said yeah; since I was two”

Putin picked the wrong country to invade and murder and steal. He should have gone to Iraqi and he’d be a legend.