"Oh, you combined the card with the handshake! I used to do that but kept getting it wrong. Gave a papercut to a man from Nestlé."

“I knew a bloke who had fingers like that once. He’s dead now. Irish navvy. Angina. Wasn’t pleasant.”

“He likes American things now…”

A-haaaaa!

“That’s right, you link my arm. We’ll try and leave with some dignity.”

“The sort of dog the Nazis used to chase Steve McQueen. They're trained and very right-wing.”

“Melania, are those your mother's cataract glasses?"

#Election2024

"I'm just a fan, Donald, that's all. Your biggest fan."

“Ooooh, she's nicer than my wife!”

“Yeah. It’s ruined.”

“Can I just shock you?”

“Don’s a fantastic man… he really is.”

LEAKED PREMIER LEAGUE OPENING FIXTURES

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