I can assure you, I absolutely cannot dunk a basketball

"Don't step in that muddy puddle" "Oh, did you step in that muddy puddle?" "No, I made that puddle"

"Bro I'm a demon on Tinder in Missouri"

I have never seen the Las Vegas Raiders fanbase so unitedly happy about a first round pick IN MY LIFE 😂

I think I ended up in radiator springs

"I was attacked!" "Okay. You were fondled, and you liked it."

"Twist dicks and smack ass"

"Black???" "It's pronounced Zack"

"You know I'm a feminist, that's why I let you pay for all the stuff"

"Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist."

"Cats are pescatarians" "You're telling me this cat believes in God?"

"You smell like liquor" "You smell like Rhode Island"

"I'm actually a ravens fan" "Go to hell"

"If you got a hair cut, and I don't say anything, it's because I think you got a shitty hair cut"

"It's dog suckin' season"

"They're trying to give each other pink eye in there"

TEAM SWEAT HOGS

When I was a teenager I was super depressed and my best friend told me if I ever killed myself he would play American Badass by Kid Rock at my funeral and tell everyone it was my favorite song and it’s kept me alive until this day.

if he actually pulls this off on Saturday, i might cry real tears

"If you were in my 2nd grade class, you'd have the 8th best beard"