**FUN FACT**
Little short people get pissed off more quickly.. but why?

Probably because the point to which 'they've had it up to here' is so much lower

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, 'Happy birthday, boss!' I

This dude John I know literally lives off of his girlfriend's welfare and government assistance money, and he thinks he's a bad ass, talks tough, like he's the absolute shit...Ok, John WIC

Today I asked my dog what zero times zero is...he said nothing

Things that really excite me:
1) cancelled plans
2) not being invited to events
3) naps

Somebody once told me I was really bad with names...

Black Friday would be a lot cooler if groceries were on sale

My dad was a conjoined twin.. his brother was my uncle on my father's side.

**hits bong**

Marriage... it's like having friends with no benefits

I am currently looking for a part-time job that pays somewhere around $19,000 per week

Is 'ass' gluten-free?

A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone laughs

Dr: You tested positive for Oxycodone.

Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that day.

Dr: You also tested positive for marijuana, crack, cocaine, amphetamines, and heroin.

Me: It was an everything bagel.

Dr: You tested positive for Oxycodone.

Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that day.

Dr: You also tested positive for marijuana, crack, cocaine, amphetamines, and heroin.

Me: It was an everything bagel.

Over the years, I have developed what I believe to be fair prices for movie tickets at any theater:

Adults - $12
Under 18 - $10
Under 4 - $395

The United States is like 24 trillion dollars in debt, and someone has the nerve to worry about my credit score!! WTF??

Right now, I'm currently helping my son look for his candy that I ate yesterday...I'm going to hell