This clearly is a trick question. Claiming to be speaking English ‘very well’ would mark you out as not getting the nuances of English at all. ‘Not too badly’ is what I was looking for.

Matt Hancock the health Secretary is making a small fortune out of Covid. I’m sure he is not the only one in the govt who is. This must be the first time in history where the robbers made all the victims wear a mask.

Leon Goretzka - best quote ever: “I’m delighted we’re back to having 82 million national team managers rather than 82 million virologists.” 😂

The vaccinated who oppose mandatory vaccinations and passports are the good Germans.

Given that apparently the Met police “don’t pursue crimes retrospectively”, next time a copper pulls you over and says you were speeding just say “Yeah, but I’m not any more, am I?”

Who knew NET ZERO would be the amount left in your pocket after paying for it?

Every time I open a German paper and read about the latest restrictive and absurd rules on Covid back home I thank my lucky stars I live in Britain. Best country in the world!

In solidarity with Novak Djokovic I also will not compete at any tournament that requires having the vaccination.

OH MY GOD HE LIT A FUCKING CANDLE WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING 🙄

My best friend is up from London and came across a BBC Sport Scotland live text for the first time last night for Kilmarnock FC v Arbroath FC 😂😂 Audio book incoming…

I'm in my 40's and have a Math degree, so I'm one of the few people qualified to operate this system. #imperialmeasurements #BorisJohnson #comedy

By the time the World Cup 2026 comes to the USA it’ll be a more backward country than Qatar is now.

“Hello…is that IKEA? I need a new cabinet.”

If Sunak’s bid for PM fails he can have a crack at the job he really craves and become US President.

Two heavyweights of the prematurely ageing game.

youtube.com/watch?v=w5c2-I…

Thank ye The Guardian for publishing my memoir. theguardian.com/stage/2022/aug…

The number of games the Queen must have been scheduled to ref today still baffles me.

Tuesday 4th - 9PM Watch Nick Woltemade’s Uncle give everything a good rinse and witness him wring sense out of the nonsensical in "It'll All Come Out In The Wash" ✨

As I say..rather surreal.