If I was writing a book about bread I’d call it Focaccia in the Rye

U N O E Y V E E R V I G G O N A N N A N O L G E T R E Y V O E U N

If you find yourself lost in the desert, the best way to locate an oasis is to head towards the Sunsheeeeeeiiiiiinnnnnne.

I made an art gallery for my brother’s Guinea pig - I think he likes it

Be Here (Sky TV) Now (9pm) My first stand up special The Varnishing Days is on tonight 9pm, Sky Comedy and then available for those nonlinear, right brained folk on NOWTV. Jermaine Jenas mentioned alongside Van Gogh quite early on. Lesson learned, only talk about the dead.

At least she’s not sucking a baboon’s anus in public - or going on I’m a celeb

Went to the dentist for a filling, he gave me coronation chicken, turns out it was a sandwich shop and I needed an optician not a dentist.

If I don’t keep up my quota of herb-based puns they’re going to send in the bay leafs

The first sentence just keeps giving

I call my cat Nature because she abhors the vacuum.

I met my wife at a West Side Story fight re-enactment society - we just clicked.

In my daughter’s maths book - what do we think the answer is because I don’t agree with the official answer in the back

This is what I think the answer should be btw

This is the official correct answer in the back of the book but to me it implies that, despite both nearly finishing their pizzas, over half of the pizza (5/9ths) still remains

There’s got to be a story here

This is an English problem not a maths problem btw

Owing money for dried fruit is my raisin debt.

You don’t hear much from these guys anymore - they had some bangers back in the day

I think 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.