Having a crush is great but they’re called “crush” for a reason. They either do it to your productivity or your spirit.

Love when people take meetings loudly in a coffee shop, because whenever I’m out trying to enjoy my day I’m always like “ugh I wish I felt like I was at work though.”

I'm too gullible for my own good. I had a woman tell me she wanted to fool around in the shower and I was like, well you should be careful because I'm a certified lifeguard and you could get really hurt.

Taking a walk by the river looks so beautiful, but when you tell someone you did it, it sounds so sad.

I don’t dress for the job I want, I just for the place I want to retire.

Holding a table in a busy cafe is resistance training for people pleasers.

Just used one of those public restrooms where when the door is unlocked, it says “vacant” and when I locked it, the sign must change to “Try as hard as you can to get through this door!”

Every time I get on my peloton my cats use the litter box and stink up the entire room. I think they hear the instructor yelling “push it!” And they’re like “if you say so.”

Ever feel a part of your body just quit while you’re sitting there doing nothing? Asking for a friend. That friend is me.

Went to a ball game with my buddies and we sat near a little kid. I think we can all agree in that situation you should watch your language, but man…the mouth on that kid.

Having someone leave you is rough because they’re saying they like moving more than you.

If there’s any place that could double as a bingo hall it’s Urgent Care.

No one has made me chug a drink faster more than flight attendants

I feel bad when I’m on a date and she tells me about how hard her day was at her job and then asks about mine and I’m like, “uhmmm I might have figured out how to fix that bit about loofah’s!”

The only good thing about food poisoning is it’s the only time I get to live out my childhood dream of solving mysteries.

Every time I go to therapy I’m just getting over whatever I was going to talk about, and then whenever I leave something new happens that I’ll have to wait a week to talk about.

My eyes never get bigger than they do when the subway doors reopen.

I’m at the perfect golf skill level. I’m a good enough hang to get invited to the outings, but bad enough that they say I can just ride around with them in the cart. All of the sun, none of the rage. Only way I’ll turn red is if I forgot my sunscreen.

My whole mindset when I’m going through my mail is “which one of these is going to be the one that ends me?”

I wish pleasing a person was as easy pleasing my cats. No woman has ever been this excited about an empty box.