How do you repair a damaged toll booth?

Toll Gate Booth Paste.

I’m sparing you all from my jokes (stop cheering) but going to make you groan at my blatant self-publicising. 😊 This popped up on FB memories. Can’t remember why I was having a horrible week but it refers to The Sporting Horse, which was shortlisted for a Telegraph Book Award.

Scientists have discovered that flowers have sexual organs.

Poppycock.

Golden buzzer. Really? Mildly amusing but… #BGT #BritainsGotTalent #BGT 24

I told Shania Twain my car is a Subaru.

She said: 'That don't Impreza me much...'

I like to show my husband a good time.

When we’re out, I point to people and say, 'Look, they're having a good time.'

I was orphaned at a young age, and raised by a pack of hyenas. No toys, no posh house, facing starvation, scavenging for food…

But boy, did we have some laughs.

Magnificent.

Hands, touching hands… Reaching out, touching me, touching youuuuu…

Doctor: 'Your wife's in hospital.”
Her husband: 'How is she?'
Doctor: 'I'm afraid she's critical.”

Husband: 'Oh, you get used to that...'

Oh Henry. 🥰 #Caturday #CatsOfX

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Apparently, California has the highest rates of depression and adultery in America.

Sounds like a sad state of affairs.

Went to a buffet put on by the Women's Institute. Lots of odd looking things on sticks...

Still, that's pensioners for you.

I’ve been watching Chernobyl's Got Talent.

Gave it three thumbs up.
#BGT

Going to have one of those boil-in-the-bag fish things for supper tonight.

The trouble is the ones you get from the fair don't come with instructions.

Two goldfish go into a bar.

The barman says, 'Why the long faeces?'

This!!!!

My daydreams of being skinny are always interrupted by the sound of my own chewing.

This made me giggle