Don't even talk to me unless your cat has a saxophone head

Back in my day, "quitting" meant something different than "doing the tasks of a given job to the expected standards"

ME, WATCHING A DISS TRACK BATTLE FROM THE OUTSIDE: Haha. Hell yeah! Everything about this great! ME, IF SOMEONE EVER MADE A DISS TRACK ABOUT ME: 😞

On behalf of the nation's kooks, I'm withholding my endorsement until we know the worm's position on wokeness

(On the phone with the logo designer) 'I hate to keep going back and forth on this, but the pierogi still isn't terrified enough. We don't want to see any relief on his face. Like, he wins - but the knife and fork don't care about the race. As soon as they catch up, he's DEAD.'

'Well, you seem dedicated and your resume says you have music industry experience. One last question before we make an offer: Can you promise not to murder her?' '...' 'Did you hear the question?' 'I did. I just...well, *promise* is a strong word...'

Who let my 7 month old niece get a Quora account?

A lot going on here

This explains why my grandpa always said he stopped drinking wine "when they took the people out and ruined the flavor".

HR Giger came up with all the Alien designs, but I was the one that said they should be covered in goo

DO YOUR BIT, YOU SKATE-LESS JERKS!

They hate me cuz they ain't me

It's a simple question, yet none of the so-called "experts" can give us a straight answer

PARK RANGERS TALKING TO THE FAMILY OF THE MISSING HIKER: 'The bad news is we never found your husband. But on the bright side...'

Yo Homes, smell ya later!

And you chumps were telling me it was time to give my dead salmon hat to Goodwill.

Occupation: TikTok Bootlegger