Kicking an errant child in my new local boozer is probably the best thing that'll happen to me today.

Funny that I feel a sense of guilt when actually occupying a pub shitter to have a shit, as opposed to when I'm occupying it to do coke, no guilt then.

I'm fucking outraged, some cunt is using the pub shit house for actually having a shit, thus preventing me from having a line.

My utter contempt for "Pub golf wankers" cannot be underestimated.

Stood waiting to be served at a busy bar, rolling a note in my fingers from habit. Yeah, I should probably stop doing that.

I've just shown my disgust at the Mersey Ferries service by doing coke in their toilet and then ruining it (Code brown trap two).

If you're looking to disinfect your home during the pandemic, just play Fleetwood Mac really loud every day. Nothing would want to live through that and it will probably kill itself.

OK, let's see if the retard I dispatched from carriage 1 to 2 in under 4 minutes gets off here.

I don't know whether Stockport was heavily bombed during the war, but it could certainly do with it now.

Threw an 8 inch shit log on my neighbor's grill this afternoon. Looked just like a burned up italian sausage. They never noticed a thing.

I took 5 shits today and ruined 4 pairs of underwear and the front seat of my car.

I once got a hand job from a retarded girl in the backseat of a Buick Regal. There was no social networking back then so I'm telling you now

Coworker: Hey do you watch Game of Thrones? Me: I'm sorry. You seem like a nice guy, but I only have sex with women.

The best part of owning a home is being able to pull your pants down and spray diarrhea all over your siding whenever you want.

For all my good intentions during the week, a week of boredom is enough to encourage a weekend of self immolation. Drink, drugs and drink.

A busy night in my local boozer and there's a big space around me at the bar. I'm definitely doing life right.

I'm definitely not popular with the masses around these parts, but fuck them. I revel in my unpopularity.

Me and my crew, fucking shit up on a Saturday night.

Coppers shouldn't be allowed to use normal pubs. It ruins my joire de vivre... or summat. Fuck em. Load of cunts...

I just cleared a fancy dress party by turning up as a member of the IRA. What have you losers done tonight?