Dear Carlotta Pierce from Brooklyn, thank you for giving us 1 more reason to pass a law preventing certain people from breeding.

Dear Paris Hilton, do you really expect us to believe that you thought the cocaine in your purse was gum? Even you can't be that blond.

Dear Joran van der Sloot, please stop breathing. I am sick of reading about your narcissistic cat and mouse games with everyone around you.

Dear brand new green paint in my bathroom, thank you for looking like pea green soup at night. Now I have to repaint. I hate you.

dear iran, it's 2010. stoning and lashes are so last century. maybe 99 lashes for every male living in that country might shed some light...

Dear snotty boca beeyatches, we can tell you had plastic surgery. Maybe that's why none of you can smile... your faces are frozen.