The exciting follow up to 'Fifty Days to Proper Fuck Your Mortgage'

Every single day I spend hours dreading and postponing my workout, feeling like crap, trying to justify a rest day, and every single day I feel fantastic and full of energy for hours after finishing it.

I wish me and I would talk to each other and sort out their shit.

Mongolia is in a punishing endless winter. Mid-February is when the daily high usually starts to climb above zero for the first time in months.

Tomorrow night will be -43C.

Fuck it, I'm off to the pub.

Tucker comes across like every naïve American I've ever met who has only a passing acquaintance with the world outside the US.

I live 120 miles from Russia. A trip to an average US small town supermarket would make the average Russian citizen collapse from option paralysis.

Pictured: Suella Braverman emerging from her lifestyle choice

telegraph.co.uk/politics/2024/…

To be clear, Reform's 'strict vetting process' amounts to asking the candidate how they'd describe the local Pakistani-owned corner shop.

If the description is short enough they're in.

OK, ladies.

One of you is going to have to fuck live action Pob or he won't shut up.

Block the mentally ill ex-footballer, kids.

Don't help create another one of those people.

When I’m in charge neighbours will be required to give at least a week’s notice in writing before beginning any loud DIY jobs, so you have plenty of time to murder them.

'Well, blow me!' gasped Prince Andrew, to the 15 year old runaway as he unzipped his trousers.

Having lived for many years in Thailand, this is the kind of immigrant Thai people universally loathe. Steadily turning into a lump of sweaty mahogany while whining about a lack of integration in the UK, all while never learning word one of Thai.

On Xmas Eve my wife & I decided to separate, amicably & without any regrets, after a fantastic 13 years together.

Honestly? I know we all laughed at Gwyneth about it, but 'conscious uncoupling' really does feel like the best way to describe it.

Sorry, you vagina candle weirdo.

Don't you think she looks tired?

Only 500 miles away from you

The Holdovers is a strong contender for the best film of the year, right at the death.

And Da'Vine Joy Randolph should be allowed to walk into any role she wants.

UK: We want to sell wine in pint bottles.

Every wine producing nation: Oh. OK, good for you, I suppose.

UK. So... y'know, now you have to set up new production lines for pint bottles.

Every wine producing nation: We...? Oh. No, I don't think we will.

*Laughs in foreign*

I missed the King's speech yesterday, but I hear he did very well.

Give the man a big hand.

Twitter is working great, you guys.

Today marks the first walk to the bakery this winter that I've wondered not only how a civilisation ever emerged here, but how it managed to conquer much of the known world.

Chinggis Khaan just wanted to get somewhere warm.

OK, I'm convinced. I'm buying a Cybertruck.

For too long I've allowed myself to be bullied by the street toughs at the country club.

How do you like me now, Chet?