I’m not immortal God really just doesn’t want to meet me yet.

"May it be forever known: shirts are the devil's work."

Jacqueline, being a complete snitch: Brian hasn’t eaten anything today! Roger: Brian! Me: I had coffee! Coffee’s a bean and we eat beans!

Me: I’m ambidextrous. Bucky, shoving an entire granola bar in his mouth: That’s wassup bro, love who you love.

GOOD LUCK TRYING TO FIGHT ME THIS MONTH I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND THE GAYS ON MY SIDE

If it’s not dangerous it simply isn’t worth my time.

I spend my time either running away from problems or creating new ones.

Life is too short to not to vault over every table you see.

[At My Funeral.] Jac: He died doing what he loved. Jac: Dying.

I’ve been existing solely off a diet of coffee for about three days now and I have the super soldier serum to thank for that.

Jacqueline, to Namor: Brian doesn’t have any survival or self-preservation instincts. I think he was born without them. Me: That’s not true! Jac: Oh yeah? Race you downstairs! Me: Me: [Throws self out of second-story window.]

By sheer force of will, I am now immortal.

Today’s tweets sponsored by the physical act of overthrowing the government.

People suddenly discovering the Invaders exist, like we haven’t been trying to get Brian Falsworth off the roof since ‘41.

[Jac trying to convince me not to go on a suicide mission.] Jac: I’ve always believed you were stupid, but not that stupid! Me: No, I really am that stupid and if you don’t believe me, watch.

Brian Falsworth looking for his next suicide mission.

I may have a bruise on my face and a bandaid on my eyebrow but at least my hair is killing it.

Captain America, making a speech: We’re better than them. We don’t kill people! Me, who’s BEEN killing people:

EL MUERTO IS GETTING A MOVIE JACKIE WE HAVE A CHANCE