I have the energy of a sloth on tranquilizers but the anxiety of a cat being vacuumed.

The rich say money doesn’t buy happiness. Yeah, because they already bought everything else.

Life is just one long google search for “why am i like this?”.

I must have spilled coffee in my past life.

Orlando Bloom and Sophie Grégoire should date.

Being hot is exhausting. Not because I am, but because I have to pretend like it’s a real possibility every time I get dressed.

I asked God to give me a sign. He gave me mild back pain

I am a man of few words and most of them are “huh?”

I drank some water today

I bought two hotdogs from Circle K. The buns are small and stale.

2 hotdogs from Circle K costs $6.50 and they don't have chilli, cheese sauce or onions. They only have ketchup, mustard, relish, jalapenos and pickles.

I ate some beans and drank some wine.

Morale or More Ale?

I will openly admit that I am dumb

Sometimes i wonder if the internet was built just so desire could finally collapse under its own weight.

I want to be crushed by a giant hippo who just ate at the swamp buffet.

WASH YO DICK WEDNESDAY

Do you need a nap?

I can't eat 9 hotdogs and drink 9 beers in 9 innings. I'm sorry I am so useless.

Oh, the lard is good to me And so I thank the lard For giving me the things I knead Like biscuits, bread, for mouths to feed Oh, the lard is to me Johnny Apple Pie Amen