There is a new SI definition of one second. It’s the time between me opening the door of my fridge and the buzzer sounding to tell me the fridge door is open.

Look between Q and M on your keyboard.

All the letters you need to write ‘Piss off’.

#Yawnsville

Porn bots: we’re looking at Airfix box art. Why would we be interested?

Happy Birthday to Roy Cross, the ‘Airfix Artist’: 100 today, and a massive influence in my early life.

This was always one of my favourites.

Can anyone explain the point of these diddy tins of tonic water? Who’d have a gin and tonic that small?

(Comparison spoon is a tea)

I assume this has been colourised.

He likes it?

When have you seen me wearing a baseball cap?

I’ve just qualified for British citizenship by apologising to a jogger who ran into me, from behind. And she was wearing earbuds anyway.

On this day in 1960, the Enlightenment was brought to a close with the birth of Jeremy Clarkson.
🎂 < gift

It’s on Amazon.

Car bores: since almost all alloys are kerbed, and most ‘prestige’ cars have a crap ride, and the roads are full of holes, why don’t we go back to small wheels and deep-sidewall boots?

No-one really gives the far end of a brass fart about handling.

#EndOfSuggestion

My Cadbury Easter egg is generously thick-shelled and has two bars o’ choc in it. Who are these miserable sinners saying Easter eggs are a rip-off? They shall not be saved.
#Easter

🎵 Hot cross buns! 🎶

🎵 Hot cross buns! 🎶

🎵 Four for a quid at Waitrose (25p ea) or six for £1.40 at Sainsbugs (23.3p ea) but not sold individually 🎶

🎵 Hot cross buns! 🎶

He should.

Now Richard Hammond is also supposedly at it. There’s grifting, and then there’s stretching credibility to the point where it snaps, flies back, and hits you in the plums.

It seems Jeremy Clarkson is also appearing in these scam ads. He, too, is not really dispensing fiscal advice. And shouldn’t.

I realise that my face has appeared in a number of scam posts about crypto currencies and retirement planning. It’s all balls, obviously, but, since I’m here, my genuine financial advice is to say ‘bollocks to it’, and go to the pub.

I’m not on Tick-Tock, but someone in the office has compiled this selection of clips showing me as a boy. Time is a feathered thing.

tiktok.com/@plumpictureso…

Young people: if you wrote to me over the last six months asking me to sign some pictures, I’ve just been through the Leaning Tower of Post and done them all.

They’re on the way. Sorry for the delay. Procrastination is the thief of time.