This man showed up to our date with blue contacts can someone call in a bomb threat. I’m at Chinese Tuxedo

I love having friends that are the same brand of neurodivergent as me because I need you to understand what I mean when I say that I like perfume that smells yellow 😭

y’all be actin like y’all too P to say sum hurt your feelings. bitch you hurt me and you will be dealt with

my type

No place like home, love.

I laughed girl. Cause fuck his plastic eyes why is it named the Chinese tuxedo 😭

“as u should” me to my bestie describing a felony

fish to your head name a gun

i tried laughing like a lady but there's this hyena inside of me

Party ideas. Each guest is tasked with bringing the most controversial person they know as a plus one

Just walked to the grocery store at 10PM and saw a disgruntled father walking out with his teen daughter, who was holding a tri-fold poster board and looked harried. Pray for this family.

No bitch ass pun intended but HOLD THE FUCKIN PHONE

😭

fleur the best sex is the sex that last multiple hours involves no cumming and lots of laughter n fun

my dad put a beer in my lunch on april fools day in 4th grade

I put my Son to bed an hour ago and he just come down and asked me if cats have shoulders

I hope you settle down and I hope you marry rich. And I hope you’re scared of all the ordinary shit.

When someone’s email address isn’t @ gmail it’s like wow you are one interesting chica

I'd rather drink the water from a tin of tuna than be asked to share a fun fact about myself as an icebreaker during a team building activity at work.