SEVERE WEATHER WARNING: Storm Boris heading towards the capital. Absolute shit show. Keep pets and nannies inside.

Over 70s: just the one cardigan will do today. It's hotter than Carol Kirkwood in her Spanx.

Get the gritters out and fetch your 50-tog duvets. It's bitter out there.

Weather alert: utter shitstorm incoming

SEVERE WEATHER WARNING It's blowing so hard, Phillip Schofield is straight again

Relax, Schaferknickers. Me and Kettley looked at the satellite thingymebobs yesterday. Dry in the south, 18C, light southwesterly.

WhatsApp from Kettley: "Seen the news about the storm, Mike?" Fella's off his tits again. Has gone downhill since his wife left him. It's just a bit blowy. #StormEunice

Relax, everyone. We are keeping a very close eye on the satellites. There's volleyball on Sky Sports and some racists on GB News. Nothing unusual. #storm

Morning Carol Kirkwood. Just checked the Met Office Spectrum and it's all looking dandy. Want a chai latte from Starbucks? #StormEunice

Man up, Gibbs. Seen more wind on a curry night with Kettley.

WEATHER UPDATE: Isle of Wight now in Surrey #StormEunice

Morning, Caz. Pop the kettle on, love, looks like another quiet one. x.com/carolkirkwood/…

Weather alert: Dublin is now in Birmingham

Erm, guys. Has anyone seen the sun? The last time we lost it was after Bill Giles' stag do.

Slap on the suncream folks, it's a scorcher out there. These Indian Summers are getting later and later. Must be the Greengage Effect.

Roses are red Violets are blue There's a woman in Luton who reckons it's blowy Definitely no hurricane on the way

Crack open the factor 40, there's a 32 degree scorcher on the way tomorrow, folks. What's that Kettley? Oh, scrap that. It's fucking farenheit. Always gets me.

Amber Weather Warning: my dog's just taken a piss in the snow

Watch out, folks. Word on the street is there's some snow on the way.

April wasn't this sodding pokey when I was doing the weather. Just saying.