'You look stressed. C'mon, let's go relax with a gruesome true crime documentary.'

A year ago today I had this promo shot taken to help put me in the running for the next James Bond.

I'm yet to recieve a call from producers.

All the best to everyone participating in tomorrow's #LondonMarathon !

Many are running for amazing causes. If you're able to donate, I know it'll mean a LOT to someone. These runners have invested countless hours training, endured challenging weather, adjusted their diets, and

'We're raising the minimum wage to an amount that we feel people will comfortably live on.'

'So you're paying yourselves that amount?'

'Hahahahahaha.....'

Giving a house tour:

'This is lovely. Where did you get it?'

'B&M.'

'And this? where can I get one of these?:

'B&M.'

'And what ab--'

'B&M!'

*me stood at the sandwiches trying to work out what Tesco meal deal will give me the best bang for my buck!

It would seem I'm now at an age where I look at the Alton Towers Theme Park map and think, 'And a nice long walk through their garden would be lovely.'

Reviews are starting to trickle in for The Devil's Replacement: Part Two

Some people are going to hate it (and that's okay - it's all subjective after all). But it would seem that not EVERYONE is going to hate it, so I can now start to relax a little 😅

US Link:

For the first time ever, I didn't get socks last Christmas, and it's starting to show.

Don't worry, I won't show you the boxers.

11-year-old: I need money for a thing.

Me: What thing?

11: A school thing.

She discovered the hack for instant money.

To celebrate the release of my new book, The Devil's Replacement: Part Two (OUT NOW!!!), I've made Part One FREE to download on Kindle for the next 4 days.

Twisted #horror with dark humour sprinkled throughout.

US Link: amazon.com/dp/B0C2N4CKWF

UK Link: amazon.co.uk/dp/B0C2N4CKWF

I only have to replace TWO Easter Eggs this year, after eating them myself! My willpower is definitely improving!!

Historic Vids Ricky Gervais on people who are easily offended

We're having an Ibiza Reps 20-year reunion this summer!

Not sure I could pull off this look these days without looking like Rab C Nesbitt!!

That awkward moment when someone is trying to take a crap, and there I am... just staring at them!

Doesn't help that the design looks like a peephole.

'Dude, why have you brought tissues and lotion?'

'I thought that we were... forget it. Never mind.'

I'm at an age where life feels like a Saturday night ITV game show.

'You have just 10 seconds to go do this job in the kitchen before completely forgetting why you even went in there. Go go go!!'

I guarantee you'll get the most wholesome pics of your kids with the biggest smile on their faces by simply... talking about farts! Works every time 😅

You've been drowsy all day, and then when it's time to actually get some sleep, boom - you're wide awake and your brain is singing, 'Taste the biscuit... Taste the goodness of the biscuit...'

I know it's early days, but surely THIS is gonna be the big Halloween costume for 2024! 😅 #willywonka #glasgow