Today is the last day to vote in Katmai National Park's Fat Bear Week! When noon Eastern hits, go vote! explore.org/fat-bear-week

I’ve reached the stage of having a cold in suddenly low humidity where I blew my nose and the tissue came back 90% crimson.

And now my throat is so raw I can’t talk. Because I’m sick, not because I’ve been enthusiastically face fucked. Not while I’m sick, that would be irresponsible.

Yesterday a clerk checked my ID and wrote down my middle name as OPION. Ever since I've been contemplating the life of someone named Opion.

I need to Do a Thing and I need all the mediocre white man confidence I can muster.

I just now learned why pound cakes are called pound cakes. I am a middle-aged man. I feel ridiculous.

I've never understood the sentiment that other people's dreams are boring. I love hearing about them. Tell me, what did you dream about last night?

I'm officially converting from putting butter on my grilled cheese to using mayo. It cooks so much better, tastes exactly the same, and I never have to rely on softened butter being around.

Just thinking about 24 years ago when school shootings really popped off and they banned trench coats and figured that was that.

Some women are out here saying trans women aren’t women, but still want their boyfriends to date them if they turn into worms.

I'm not certain at all, but I think I did a flirt today.

That cat on TikTok that sings about being alone is wrecking me.

Hey, we're all out here with full-time jobs and depression. You can't make a quirky show about funny queer pirates or funny queer angels and then finish it off gut-wrenchingly sad. I can't get to sleep to work tomorrow feeling like this.

It’s not fair to be fat AND tired. Isn’t this all stored up energy? Shouldn’t I be able to hit the nitro and go into overdrive?

This could be us, but you playin’. tiktok.com/t/ZT8h2CfvL/

Had an amazing night tonight reconnecting with some old friends, but I keep kicking myself because I mispronounced the word perpetuity. Absolutely no one called me on it, but it's gonna bug me for years.