Ironic that Russell Brand has been ditched by the Despicable Me franchise. They're 5 films in and finally have a despicable cast member under their noises... tsk. Hollywood!

Me: I've got misophonia Person who's great at jokes: That sounds awful.

Queued for 3 hours only to be told it'll be £490. But this is good training for buying a pint at the gig.

I preferred not exercising and my legs not hurting

Give me another series you shit... oh you will? JURASSIC PARK!

My mother in law just texted, 'Nettles or Dudgeon' and I don't think I've ever responded quicker.

I want to see a mash-up show called Dr Who Do You Think You Are, where venerable British actors get confused about how they used to look and where/ when they've been.

My local leisure centre is being renovated. I’m not a fan of all the alterations tbh.

Why isn't it... 30 days has the first 7 months 31 has the last 5 Except every 4 years December gets an extra day. What's with all the messing around with February? What did February ever do to you?

I sometimes just phone up HMRC just to hear that hold music. It's such a funky jam.

You burn about the same amount of calories having a good nights sleep as you do running a 5k. Just going to pop that there.

Remember remember, the 5th of November Something something gun powder, treason and plot Something something forget or forgot. Something.

Guys guys guys, give him a chance…

Dad, have you heard of Gary Barlow?

Can I say 'lest' today? I don't think I can.

What do you do when your dental floss stuck in your teeth? Genuinely just happened. Still there.

If your mouse disappears and your printer breaks on the same day, have you considered that your children put the fucking mouse INSIDE the printer? YES I HAVE A MOUSE AND A PRINTER I've actually got mice, because I bought a new one.

Giddy up Sparklehorse You wanna try asking again pal? Your Uber rating can get to fuck.

Christmas is a time for sharing… your feelings about Brexit apparently.

I just can’t see a moment when lying that your pants aren’t on fire would be a good thing