Finding the right health insurance is so confusing.

Just passed by the living room mirror with a snack in my mouth & said “Not today, Satan!”

My hair is entering FARQUAAD territory.

Most of my old family photos are poorly lit, because my parents/grandparents thought that using the flash was too "fancy".

FUN FACT: The first draft of AFTERNOON DELIGHT was called SEX AT 11:30AM.

One time in college, my communications teacher yelled at me for talking.

$600 is what a rich relative leaves you in their will because it’s cheaper than writing you out of the will completely.

I bet Donald Trump watches IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE & thinks there should be more Mr. Potter scenes.

Music Streaming Ranked: 5. Amazon Music 4. Tidal 3. Apple Music 2. Spotify 1. Radio playing outside my neighborhood taqueria.

Today is a somber reminder that no player from the first puppy bowl is still alive. #SuperBowl

“Comedy is Back!” Comedy = My Anxiety Back = Never Left

SPECIAL K cereal seems to be marketed to white suburban women. Does that mean it’s short for SPECIAL KAREN?

Vin Diesel in Guardians of the Galaxy: I AM GROOT! Vin Diesel in Fast & the Furious: I AM VROOM!

How is BAR BAR DRINKS not a STAR WARS themed pub? #MayThe4thBeWithYou #StarWars

“Wow, I can do anything” - Anyone watching Elon host SNL last night.

Things I do in the shower ranked: 1. Sing 2. Cry 3. Drink 4. Clean my body

Anyone else look at their laundry and think “Should I jus throw this away”?

“I’m into Pegging” - Al Bundy

IBS stands for ITTY BITTY SHITS, right?

“FUCK IT’S REALLY GOOD” - Most Kanye Albums & EVERY plate of pasta #Kanye #DONDA