When your kids leave a mystery puddle on the floor you will always find it when you’re rushing to leave the house. It’s science.

I asked my husband how his dental appointment went and he told me he spent hours with two men in his mouth so he feels stretched out I’ll be describing all future dental appointments this way

Little kids will ask why you're crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like "ok can I go finish my drawing?" Yeah go ahead, Dexter

Me: let me get you a napkin 13: no I’m fine… I have my shirt

In all my 12 years of parenting I’ve never felt more pressure than when one of my kids comes home from school with a planted sunflower seed and expects it to grow by tomorrow

just a girl who loves sunsets, music, and making you smile

[an hour into bedtime] Me: it’s really late… no more talking! 6: ok *starts singing*

Me: *is a strong, capable professional and father* Also me: *cries during every episode of Bluey*

The audacity of children to burst from your body like the kool aid man and then tell you that you’re stinky while they’re covered in dirt and peanut butter

6: why does J have two mommies? Me: some kids have two mommies, some have two daddies, some have a mommy and a daddy… all families look diff- 6: I wish I had two mommies My husband:

Told my kids that either they stop fighting or at least make it more entertaining, so I'd say summer vacation is going great

him: what video do you keep watching, that song has been playing for the last five minutes me, watching a lady pour buttery noodles into a vat of cream sauce on repeat: um, it’s porn

If I could have just a moment of your time I’d love to give you some information about how your small, one time donation can make a difference in the fight against the fight against carbs.

Saw my youngest moving his arms up and down really fast and when I asked what he was doing he casually replied, ‘oh, just trying to fly like a bird,’ and I really admire his optimism.

My 7 month old likes avocado so I guess she’ll never own a home

"I'll see you later today" I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid's lunchbox.

If you don’t believe in the mental load you aren’t carrying it. Now go pick some up—that shit is heavy.

If a guy uses a stud finder he’s required to point it at himself and make beeping noises. It’s in the Man-ual.

The high today is 88 degrees, but I’m wearing jeans and a hoodie. It’s September first. We can’t keep catering to you forever, Summer, geez.

When you are a super hero you need a secret identity and that secret identity is usually selling insurance. —Ryan, 7