last sip of coffee tasted like old raisins

my great-grandmother gave me the 17 inch tall rooster statue that was promised to me 16 years ago #AmTarnegolChai

my wife (funniest person ever) just roasted the shit out of me and now i need to go to bed like nothing happened

America is about blowing your hand off with something called ‘9000 FARTS’ which was made by a Chinese toddler

currently watching 4 different fireworks shows at once while drinking busch apple on my balcony

there should be a Jurassic Park sequel where they bring back the dodo. And the scientists are like hell yeah we did it. hey buddy

former roommate is teasing life events like they're twenty one pilots albums and forgetting that my association with their symbolism of choice is in fact a 2022-23 bunkbed of infinite common colds

devious bag of "yogurt covered pretzels" that is actually the Conglomerate Pretzel Brick

what are we doing man 🥀🥀

i heard His Grand Immortal Dictator resurrected the Black Parade last week. that's cool and all but he should do it to ghost swedish fish next time

monkeys being abducted

#SKOL

Vikings have a big play. The refs:

10 sets of being a Vikings fan

wife says that being a minnesota vikings fan is a gift from God to do penance on earth for less time in purgatory and i hope she's right

its a #hog eat #hog world out here Pizza Ranch

gift wrapping ability gap relationship

the pre-touchscreen sedan is the new Horse, and the interstate is the old dusty trail

the advent of the car touchscreen marked the departure of the car soul