Don’t know why they’re bothering to wait 100 years to make people’s time capsule entries public. Everyone’s making them public on Twitter already. #Census2022

Tonight’s microwave meal is all in the red with nutritional information, and that’s assuming I’m only eating half of it. Technically I should probably be dead.

Love playing ‘Guess Which Way This Dickhead’s Going’ with non-indicating arseholes at roundabouts.

Five minutes of my life I’ll never get back rescuing a spider from the sink that turned out to be a piece of fluff.

Okay, I tried watching Love Island and I just don’t get it. I’m sorry. I tried.

Does anyone else obsessively chew their tongue or is it just me?

Hello, Sun ☀️☀️☀️

Well, here I am. Drinking wine. In my underpants. Again.

Vegetarian women more likely to break hips, says study bbc.in/3QD0k5G

Well, that’s something to look forward to.

Travesty of our times: Best before date says 2024 but small print says ‘once opened consume within three days’ 😒😒

Nothing more satisfying than watching Paw Patrol with my two year old and pointing out every glaring inconsistency and plot hole.

Play Doh is pure shite. Five minutes out of the tub and it’s the consistency of dry Weetabix. Biggest con job I’ve ever encountered.

Oh my god. Twitter isn’t ending. Get a GRIP! 🙄🙄🙄

A lot of ninja cyclists out on the roads on these dark evenings.

I’ve been doing ‘face yoga’ now for a few weeks and, I have to say, in the short time I’ve been doing it I’ve noticed fuck all difference.

I haven’t just fallen off the wagon this weekend. I’ve plummeted from the top deck, under the wheels and the wagon’s reversed back over me. 🍷🍷

Fruit Flies, you are testing my patience.

Twitter these days is just endless videos of people falling from heights with the comments section full of “Ooooh no did he die???”

New year’s resolution is to give up the ‘ol drink for a while so I’m going full Leaving Las Vegas tonight