If you’ve never peed at a gas station while crying from sheer relief...I don’t believe we’ve met.

Say what you will about folk singers, but they are VERY good at geography.

NO CONSENT NO BOOTY 2018 - Lil B

Why do they even make Icehouse in bottles?

I’m getting married in 13 days aka stress-eating fistfuls of sugar cereal while frantically pedaling a stationary bike. So that’s how I’m doing.

If you’ve ever doubted the existence of Catholic guilt, may I present this Facebook message from my mom:

I’m arguing for drunk pizza in the classic debate: drunk pizza vs sober pizza. Been training for this for 9 yrs🍕🍕🍕

Dear THAT guy on our overbooked flight frantically trying to find room in the overhead for your soft-cased acoustic guitar, Your entertainment value is peaking as we speak & it sucks it’s gonna take 5 years of torturing your friends with wagon wheel for you to realize it.

Billie Eilish sounds like an inkjet printer don’t @ me

If I’ve learned anything from watching every season of Housewives, it’s that bon bons need a serious rebranding.

Coming out of twitter retirement to say this:

I would follow Tom DeLonge into a bunker.

Take it as a compliment that the girl next to u on this 4 hr flight isn’t moving over to the vacant aisle seat. Take it as a compliment that the girl next to u on this 4 hr flight isn’t moving over to the vacant aisle seat. Take it as a compliment that the girl next to u on this

.The Knot can I register for dental procedures y/n

Today is my annual performance review. Last night I had a dream I was costume shopping at a craft store and Kim Kardashian popped out of a cake and handed me a gold sequined bucket hat. If that’s not prophetic & I don’t get a raise then god damn did I just waste 280 characters

Had forgotten about my 30th birthday until the nurse, who was drawing 9 vials of blood to test for thyroid and adrenal dysfunction, reminded me it's just FIVE days away! She quickly changed the subject to the new Jersey Shore reboot.

Hobbies include winking at teens while they’re snapchating me doing my makeup on the train.

When the unisom hits

Literally the only way to test whether makeup is waterproof is to have a drink thrown in your face. 👏WHY 👏CAN’T 👏BRIDAL👏 MAKEUP👏 ARTISTS 👏UNDERSTAND 👏THAT

Good job, Instagram. You finally figured out a way to make me care about diamonds.