Earth been a thing for 4.5 billion years and I got to be here the same time as Shohei Ohtani.

Shohei Ohtani’s contract was a fucking discount.

If the Dodgers can hold off the Marlins🙃 this performance by Ohtani will go down as WHO ARE WE KIDDING THIS IS THE SINGLE GREATEST DAY IN BASEBALL HISTORY YES THATS AGGRESSIVE JUST LET ME LIVE!

I’m blocked, can someone check in on Dodgers Nation for me?

TIL Skip Schumaker is a real one.

I’m glad Ohtani came home, y’all didn’t deserve him neither!

I’m sorry, I don’t accept announcer critiques from a fanbase who thinks that Don Orsillo belongs in any booth above a beer league softball tournament.

Imagine seeing Shohei Ohtani go 50/50 on a 6-6 game with 10 RBI and thinking that Francisco Lindor deserves MVP over him because he didn’t fumble a routine ground ball.

2 million dollars.

It's quite hilarious that a baseball player reaches a milestone never accomplished before, and Padres fans are complaining that MLB is marketing him

Padres fans in the replies:

Yeah, but they had that really funny giveaway where they made fun of the Dodgers for…*Checks notes*…winning the World Series?

Mets fans are so salty about Ohtani that they’ve been reduced to twerking for Ronald Acuna Jr. I’m sick!

Probably pointing to a departed relative asking forgiveness for his abysmal performance.

If Joe Kelly is on the playoff roster, I anticipate Andrew Friedman fired on the spot.

“And with the score 1-0 here in the 5th in game 5 here comes comes Dave Roberts to get his starter in a surprise move! Joe Kelly will take over to try and preserve the lead”: