Every year I think THAT’S gonna be the year it feels dumbest to have this holiday

There’s so much to be disappointed in America for but as far as the “American Dream” is concerned, it is nice to make a living talking about dicks

If I could bottle up the electricity I feel the night before a long-awaited vacation, no one would want cocaine or coffee again

Forever in love with Marshall

Women in France hate bras and love cigarettes 😍

This feels like when your friend who *loves* to cry victim conveniently gets shot at the top of the ear so they can continue to cry victim even harder. Anti-Trump people aren’t the type to shoot a motherfucker. Grazing the ear isn’t a near miss, it’s a skilled gunman move 🤨

Not sure if we’re allowed to make requests, but in my next life I’d like to be a famous rock musician’s son 🙏

I want a front porch so I can have girlfriends come over and wear humming bird helmets while sipping iced coffee and swapping our most unique animal and/or science facts 🙏🙏🙏 pls god, I promise I won’t turn it into a podcast 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

NYC! I cohost a monthly standup show called HOOCH and it happens tonight at 7pm babyyyyy get your tickets sweet tits! Our line up is 🔥 brownpapertickets.com/event/6333910

Happy for Snoop Dogg, he gets to be his ultimate self and paid millions for it.

Walking in Times Square and just saw a mom wearing a Biggie Smalls t-shirt holding the hand of her 7-ish year old son wearing a Trump hat.

How much hair is too much hair? I’d say when you start seeing strands of it coming out of your dogs butt

Tonight’s show features a liberal comic, a conservative bodybuilder, and a guy who looks like a 12 year old Lindsey Graham. Joins us for another fresh batch of wholesome smut.

I’m realizing that women love a good murder doc bc it’s almost always about a man killing a woman and being stupid as fuck about it. Watching him get caught is borderline pornographic

Seems like the most lucrative business to start right now would be a grocery store

I wouldn’t wish having to buy things at a Sephora on a Sunday to my worst enemy

✨Fiscally Republican ✨ Beloved stand-up comedian and uncanny Jim Carrey look-alike, Heather Shaw, joined Krystyna Hutchinson and CORINNE FISHER in the studio. The trio talk about being raised by parents that didn’t really want to be parents, having an all gay lineup of siblings,

the United States: Distracted driving kills! also the United States: But look at this billboard for a strip club off Exit 5!

A shame that brat summer is now over. 😂 @krystynahutch and @philanthropygal welcomed celebrity astrologer, Aliza like Ibiza back to the studio to see what the stars have to say about their futures. Hear bonus episodes of @guyswefcked, plus everything early and ad-free on Luminary.

The pigeons in Las Vegas looked like they’ve been dipped in oil