We were testing out my grandmas new hearing aids. My mom went to another room and said “69”. She asked Gram what number she had said. Gram said “69. That’s a nice number.” We all died laughing. It was that moment I realized we are all just 12 year olds pretending to be adults.

I don’t know what you’re up to today but I just figured out my turtle loves clementines and will leap out of the water like a dolphin to retrieve a slice of that fruity nectar 🐬 🐢

Is this not the ultimate power move?!

Little kids at the beach are all business. They’re like “I’d love to stop and chat but I need to dig a giant hole and fill it up with 10 buckets of water before lunch time”.

Alright! I don’t know who needs to hear this but If you didn’t go to Hebrew school and endure decades of Rabbi’s with smelly breaths then you don’t get to go up in a chair at your wedding. You get Christmas! Let us have this one thing.

You know when you forget about cereal and then you finally have it and you remember who you are?

After I die I am going to come back as a ghost and haunt people who take their phone calls on speaker phone in public.

Me getting pulled over: You know what’s so funny? I drove around with an expired inspection sticker for two years and never got pulled over. This inspection sticker has been expired for two months and I get pulled over!! Policeman: 😑😑😑

Sorry if I seem down. I was playing out a scenario in my head that didn’t work out in my favor and hurt my own feelings.

I was today years old when I learned it’s Brussels Sprouts not Brussel Sprouts. 🤯

Please remember that Christmas is not about buying expensive gifts. It’s about being reunited with your fully grown son who is 6’3 and thinks he’s an elf and eats syrup on his spaghetti.

Hey mister but instead of being 16 asking strangers to buy you alcohol you’re 33 asking strangers to buy you rapid tests in the CVS parking lot

When you walk into work on Monday with a fat lip looking like you had a wild weekend but in real life you were lying in bed texting Sunday morning and dropped your phone on your own damn face 😑

Getting pedicures with my mama. Me: sorry I have such ugly feet. Kind Soul Scrubbing my talons: they’re not that bad! Me: See mom? They aren’t that bad! Mama: She has to say that.

Wouldn’t it be cool if you didn’t play Wordle all week it would let you play all your games for the week in a row just like binge watching Too Hot to Handle on Netflix except it’s good for your brain 🧠

“The Climb” by Miley Cyrus just came on in CVS and I started belting it in the oral hygiene aisle. It really turned my day around.

When you only pack one sock for the gym so you have to decide which foot you like best and which one you are willing to sacrifice to the blister gods.

I’m very much an independent woman until I have to cut a spaghetti squash in half

Hobbies include sitting in my car outside of the gym scrolling Instagram

Finding out you are following Trump when you never actually followed Trump feels like the time Apple forced a U2 album on us all